


HIM

by radicallyred



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Based on a Sam Smith Song, Boys In Love, Character Development, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-18 13:38:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13101315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radicallyred/pseuds/radicallyred
Summary: A song fic of Sam Smith's song of the same title, essentially what I envision when I hear the lyrics put to life with Evan and Connor





	HIM

_Holy Father, we need to talk_  
_I have a secret, that I can’t keep_  
_I’m not the boy that, you thought you wanted_  
_Please don’t get angry, have faith in me_

Connor has gone to church for as long as he could remember. It was routine: wake up on Sunday, fight Zoe for the shower, take said shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, fight at breakfast, go to church. It was around age eleven when he first heard of homosexuality being a sin, something inside of him stirring with what felt like anger. It wasn’t until he was fourteen when he realized he wasn’t attracted to girls that panic set in. For a long time, he would pray that, maybe, he was confused and was mistaking the want to kiss boys as wanting to be friends with them. Of course, he knew deep down that he was gay but he was terrified that God was going to be angry with him.  
He was sixteen the first time he kissed a boy. It was Evan Hansen, a boy from his biology class. It was all very stereotypical; after gym class under the bleachers. Everything in his being was screaming to leave, to run and hide, but something more primal told him that this was right where he was supposed to be. He told his parents and sister the good news when Evan said yes to being his boyfriend. Zoe didn’t really care, but Larry and Cynthia were mortified, his mother crying and his father screaming at him. Maybe homosexuality _was_ a sin. 

_Say I shouldn’t be here but I can’t give up his touch_  
_It is him I love, it is him_  
_Don’t you try and tell me that God doesn’t care for us_  
_It is him I love, it is him I love_

Things changed in his junior year of high school. Cynthia found that having a gay son wasn’t so bad, he was the same Connor, after all, and she sincerely liked having Evan around. Zoe and Evan ended up becoming friends, so it was safe to say that she liked Evan, too. Larry, however, remained stoic. He would say hello and goodbye to Evan and that was it. He treated Connor as if he was a stranger and prayed three times a day everyday that his son would wake up and realize what he was doing is wrong. But this didn’t deter Connor. If anything, it egged him on. They were head over heels for each other and Connor loved him. And Evan loved him back. No matter how happy they were together, Connor always felt like he was doing something wrong when he was with Evan, and no matter what he did he couldn’t shake the strange feeling. It was good.vs.evil: Evan was good for him but his mind and community said otherwise. Around their sixth month, he decided that love is definitely okay and anyone who thought otherwise could fuck off. He was still a good Christian; he went to church and prayed everyday. He just liked to kiss boys. 

_I walk the streets of Mississippi_  
_I hold my lover by the hand_  
_I feel you staring when he is with me_  
_How can I make you understand?_

He truly felt awful when he would walk with Evan hand in hand. Not from the action, but from the reactions he saw daily. People would stare, some in admiration or nostalgia for their younger years, but often in disgust. They were at the mall one particular afternoon when Mrs. Mayer, an elderly woman from his church, came over to them and asked “Now what would Pastor Wyatt think of this, Connor? Of letting this _devil_ corrupt you?” Evan bit his lip and didn’t look at her, squeezing Connor’s hand harder, making Connor nearly go off on her. It took all of his energy for him to walk away with a “tell James I say hello,” and not tell her to fuck off. He needed to make sure Evan was okay and he knew that having one of his _episodes_ would not help him at all. It took twenty minutes of Connor holding him in the backseat of his Jeep for Evan to stop crying. Connor’s heart really broke when Evan told him that he wasn’t crying because he was hurt or scared, but because he “can’t believe p-people have the audacity to treat you like that! I-it’s not fair, Connor!” If his Jewish boyfriend knew that, how come no one else seemed to understand?

_Say I shouldn’t be here but I can’t give up his touch_  
_It is him I love, it is him_  
_Don’t you try and tell me that God doesn’t care for us_  
_It is him I love, it is him I love_

He’s laying naked, post cotial, in Evan’s bed, holding said boy as he sleeps on his chest. Something about Evan’s bare skin touching his is just as euphoric as the sex was, and it was becoming hard to imagine a life without this. Even in this state, he says his evening prayers. He prays for a better world. He prays for the health of his loved ones, Evan especially. He prays that God is forgiving and still cares for him--for them. His lips brush against Evan’s hair as he whispers _I love you_ over and over until his voice gives out. 

_Holy Father, judge my sins_  
_I’m not afraid of what they will bring_  
_I’m not the boy that you thought you wanted_  
_I love him_

It’s three years later when Connor is laying in bed with his husband, yes, husband, when he realizes that he doesn’t give a flying fuck if people judge him. No, he isn’t the perfect son his parents wanted or the perfect Christian that is expected of, but he has the perfect life. It just took him a long time, and the most handsome blond boy, to help him figure that out. He rolls onto his side and kisses Evan sweetly on the lips.  
“I love you,” He says gently. “Thank you.” Evan smiles softly, cocking a brow at the thank you.  
“I love you, too. No matter what.” Connor cuddles up to him and shuts his eyes, genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. Let whatever happens happen because, as long as Connor gets to grow old with the man he loves, that is all that matters.

**Author's Note:**

> Please note I have not been to a church in _years_ so this is not entirely accurate 
> 
> Let me know what you think by leaving a comment or by visiting me on Tumblr @radicallyred


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